Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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