im six kinds of drunk right now
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
did you just send me my own nude
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
