we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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