Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize