Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
