We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize