Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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