then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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