I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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