bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
