I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
