a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
