Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
