i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
