I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
