If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
