i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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