bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
