if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
