When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
