Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
