Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
