i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
