I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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