Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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