Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
