Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
