please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
