I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
