The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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