You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
