Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
