i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
