Ketchup is God's man juice
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
