It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
