onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
