from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
