They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
