I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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