There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
