sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
