I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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