She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
