Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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