I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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