I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
