i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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