i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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