my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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