Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need to calm my uterus...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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