Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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