my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
