After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
