I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
