Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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