You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
