I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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