I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
