I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize