i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
