He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
