Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If I die, sorry about rent.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
