You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize