Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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