Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
