Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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